Everybody thinks they’re special. Of course we do. It’s one of the tricks that get us through the day because we  n e e d  to differentiate ourselves from others. Oh, look at this guy, he’s spitting seeds on the ground; this woman doesn’t have a mirror at home, she’s dressed like a hooker – we don’t want to think we’re on the same level as them, perhaps the people we label as “average”.

If you tell someone to their face that they are average, they will most probably smack you. You wouldn’t like to be called that, now would you? You’re special because you have a degree, you have a skill that surpasses others’, you speak 3 or 4 languages, you’ve travelled a lot, your friends definitely say you’re smart and funny (sometimes this is a compliment for them as well), maybe at some point your teachers thought you were bright but wasting your (god given) skills/talent/beauty. 

I don’t know about you, but people have told me some of these things over time, and my perception of myself shifted from insecure-and-shy to (relatively) confident and arrogant – “I am something else” and somehow this idea infiltrated deep enough into my processes that I sort of included it in my plans. As in, “it’s ok, no rush, I’m good, I can do this [project] in one night before the deadline and I’ll be just fine”. How’s that for arrogance going nowhere.

I’ve begun to decline with this attitude. When I was younger, between the ages 13 and 16 I guess, I took assignments seriously and prepared thoroughly – that’s the thinking my family induced. I never perceived it as an effort, I enjoyed parts of it and almost neglected the ones I disliked but still did well. After that age I started lagging, I didn’t care that much. When University began I still felt comfortable taking it easy. So I became limited and sufficient. This is the only self-destructive non-action I’ve taken in years but it’s a big one :)

The logical line of thought is “thinking you’re special makes you average“. Everyone thinks they’re special but not that many people live up to the expectations placed on them by others and by themselves. I think we’re entitled to actually believe we’re special only after we’ve done something pretty awesome with our lives. We’ll always be special to our parents because we’re, you know, their flesh and blood; to our friends, because otherwise they wouldn’t still be around us; and occasionally we’ll find people who share the same belief just because they feel kind that day. We believe these people because we trust them, but especially because that’s what we like   want  love to hear. We are programmed to keep our ears open for praise, not for criticism.

Ultimately, we only have ourselves. You know the saying, deep down everybody’s alone. We cannot run from ourselves, nor can we lie to ourselves. What we believe is entirely up to us. We can take other’s bullshit, make up our own or just do what the hell we’ve got to do and BE special, not just believe it and ACT as if we were.

So what’s the cure for this? Motivation, goals, some medium-term plan. I have my graduation thesis in two months that should be enough, but so far it’s done nothing for me :) 5 minutes ago I realized short-term plans never worked for me, because I always look for what’s beyond that “critical moment”. In the 12th grade, my friend and I made many plans for after the exam, small plans but they kept our imaginations busy and helped us relax. It was the little things, like having a big drinking session after it was all over, that made us think of the treats and not what we then perceived as the “ordeal”. Maybe it’s actually the small rewards we care about more, because they bring immediate, visible satisfaction. Because we’re used to that – gratification society…

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